After the storm

And after the storm,

I run and run as the rains come

And I look up, I look up,

on my knees and out of luck,I look up.

Night has always pushed up day

You must know life to see decay

But I won't rot, I won't rot

Not this mind and not this heart,I won't rot.


And I took you by the hand

And we stood tall,

And remembered our own land,

What we lived for.


And there will come a time, you'll see, 

with no more tears.

And love will not break your heart, 
but dismiss your fears.

Get over your hill and see what you find there,

With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.


And now I cling to what I knew

I saw exactly what was true

But oh no more.

That's why I hold,That's why I hold with all I have.

That's why I hold.


I will die alone and be left there.

Well I guess I'll just go home,

Oh God knows where.

Because death is just so full and man so small.

Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.

Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

By Mumford&Sons

Comfortably sweet

You don't need no pills to keep you down love

just need someone else around

so everything's complete

comfortably sweet

don't you ever leave.

Human beings are a very selfish, conceited species. And love, you know, is just an illusion. Because you cannot afford to be too conceited or selfish in a relationship. It's not really a match made in heaven. Or you love yourself or you love another, right? And yeah, I know all the bibidi babaidi about sharing and giving and accepting and all that. But we really do that for ourselves, not others. You accept faults of others not because of them but because that's the only way you can cope with them. And you know, all the sacrifices you do and everything you give it's not free, really. In the end you are always, always repaid with love. Ohhh, looove the most cherished thing ever. This is clever. It's very catholic-oriented. How would you make people to do good stuff? Convince them they'll get something in return! And of course, of course non-material is much much better than material, of course! Bullshit!!!

Because if I got a penny for everything I have to tolerate in the end I'd be rich, you know. But love. That gets taken away from you so easily. Everything you worked hard for. Puf! Evaporated! And it's not even your foult! Well... it is, since you are the idiot who got caught in. It's like paying taxes. You know. You give and give and they only tell you it's for a good cause but you never know where your money went. And it never comes back. But would anyone pay taxes if it wasn't obligate? Yeah.

Well...I started to write this because I wanted to talk about cheating. Why do people do that to one another? Well I don't know, and it sometimes seem they don't either. But...for one thing because they are selfish. And it's not like that's monstrous, it's just in us. Everybody, really. It's not a sin to get what you want in life. But for some (to me yet unknown) reason we manage to screw up a bunch of other people on the way. And it's because we don't really know what we want. Like children, running around; oh look a candy! I want the candy!!! Give me the caaaandddyyy! Ohhh a lollypop! Well that's quite something different! I never wanted candy in the first place! Give me the lolly!!!

And we don't. We don't know. But our wishes are our responsibility. If it's good to get what you want than it's even better to take responsibility for it. It's reasonable. And it's not too hard to get, is it?

O.K. people make mistakes. But that's life. And it's you who should suffer for your mistakes, not others. And it's so ugly to hurt others in such a selfish way. You know, someone you loved or thought you love (no difference, really). And I think I just got my point.

Oh it just gives me grief writing these things, I don't even know why I do it.

Still, I have to admit (after I made myself look like a total pessimist) I do think love exist. But it doesn't contain anything of what I wrote above. I don't know what it consists but that's a debate I'll have with myself some other time. 

Serenity carillion

I was born idelaist.

It's not like you can change that rationally.

And you might hurt yourself trying.

Issue XY

A still sunny day. No exaggerate heartbeats. No dramatic heartbreaks. The boredom of not being in love. If you could change it artificially, would you?

Magnolia

" I'll tell you the greatest regret of my life: I let my love go."

The rage

The cold is trying to kill me,

I know that but I fight back

with heat.

Everything I feel

I put it out there and

it evaporates effortlessly.

Because of the radiating energy

I storm on you
by now the ozone should already melt.

YOU should

There's no sound but the snow falling.

But why do I hear buzzing in my ears?

My brain is bleeding into my troath,
 bitter taste of blood in my stomach.

I shuldn't have lied. I shuldn't have promised.

The mud is sqealing under my feet.
Creepy presences of you around me and

I almost can see you there, therein the dim light of the street lamp.

How could I have loved you so? -I shouldn't have.
Are you there? On the other end of the line?

How could I hope. I shouldn't.

I'm not crying. I'm not weeping. I'm just dying a little

and I can not stop.

And any minute now the bus should come. Should it?

Ljubljana now seems the emptiest city in the world.

Another love gone, another love lost.

The world can not wait.
It will go on. And I should too,

and so do you.

But for now crying over spilt milk

seems the most reasonable thing to do.


And just for the record: YOU should, not I.

You always hurt the one you love

 

If you watched Blue Valentine you probably already know the song. I liked the movie. Romantic, sad and most of all, very real. It didn't feel like watching a movie but like watching real lives of two people "in love". With their ups and downs. It kind of shows you that love at first sight it's not really love-at least thats how I understood it. The main male character fantasises about such love; and he founds it, or at least he thinks he does. People can convince themselves in many things. Anyway, they go along pretty well and he's willing to do a lot for their love. At some point I thought he wished that love to work so badly, he was willing to do anything. You know, how they say, for that one person who's worth it. I don't want to make it sound like he was deluded or anything; I think he really got to love her. As far as she's concerned...She probably wanted different things in life. Not getting them was so frustrating at some point she could not bare it any longer. Imagine yourself in a job where you're appriciated only because of your looks - not because you do your job well, having a child when you didn't really planned it, a husband with no ambition whatsoever... And you, wishing for more and are not able to get it. Pretty frustrating. But that's life I guess...  

However, it's a pretty good movie, so I would suggest it. But it's more of a -think about it movie than chill out movie, keep that in mind. 

Oh I hvae so many thoughts concerning love in my head I could probably write a book about it. But what good do they do me if I'm still alone at the end of the day? 

I'm not trying to complain - even though it's on my mind often enough... I think I know what love is or is supposed to be, what is a relationship, how to get there or why even bother to go that way. And believe me, all it is quite down-to-earth. Most of everything that I know about relationships I've drawn from friendships, some life long, some not... And in the long way it's the same. The problem with me is I'm not willing to try it in real life. And it's because I'm afraid to hurt people. I know myself very well and I know I cannot tolerate lying to someone, pretending, insisting in something that has no real future. Why be with someone only because you're scared of being alone? Or because you like being loved. Or whichever of the selfish reasons...It's all phony to me. But unfortunately for most people this works. And unfortunately I always hurt the ones I love. As we all do.

Valentines day is long gone but this post is something of a reflection to it. 

And here's a song from the italian festival Sanremo, enroled the second best. 

Piangerai, tu come pioggia piangerai/You'll cry, like the rain you'll cry

e te ne andrai, come le foglie col vento/And walk away, like the leaves in the autumn  

d'autunno triste tu, te ne andrai -/With the wind you'll walk away – 

certa che mai ti perdonerai./certain yu'll never forgive yourself.

Ma si sveglierà; il tuo cuore un giorno/ But it will awake; your heart on a

d'estate rovente in cui il sole sarà. / Hot summer day in wich sun will shine.

E cambierai la tristezza dei pianti in /And you'll change the sorrow from cries into

 Sorrisi lucenti, tu sorriderai./Shining smiles, yes , you'll  smile.

E arriverà, il sapore del bacio più dolce /And it'll arrive the taste of the sweetes kiss

e un abbraccio che ti scalderà. / And a cuddle that will warm you up.

Arriverà una frase e una luna / It'll arrive one frase, one of the moons 

 di quelle che poi ti sorprenderà. / that will leave you breathless.

Arriverà la mia pelle a curare le tue voglie / It'll arrive, my skin to cure your  desires

-la magia delle stelle. / -the magic from the stars.

Penserai che la vita è ingiusta / And you'll think that life is unfair

 e piangerai. / And you will cry.

E ripenserai alla volta in cui ti ho detto no, / And you'll recall the time when I said no,

non ti lascerò mai. / I'll never leave you behind.

-Poi di colpo il buio intorno a noi. / -And than in a gasp, the darkness around us.

Arrivera … /It'll arrive …

La poesia della neve/ the song of the snow

che cade e rumore non fa. / That  sailently falls on the ground.