Sometimes I cry...
If you'd know me on every-day basis you'd know that I try very hard to be polite to people I don't know and am usually very comfortably rude to the ones I'm used to be around. Well not really rude, but sharp, straight out. I'm not thinking a lot about what I say around friends. But while talking to a stranger I only think about what's apropriate to say. Very weird, very me.
In my politnes I smile to everybody, usually just becouse I try to cheer them up. People are so very sad from times to times and I always get a presence I should try to do something good for them. But this all vanishes when I'm with friends, becouse I some kind of believe they wouldn't mind if I-just for a few moments- didn't care fore no one else but myself, and if I wanted them to smile a while for me instead the other way around. Very weird, very me.
And considering everything written, it's not weird that I get tired of smiling. Sometimes this goes on for sooo long and it even goes so far, I think I'm faking my smiles and that they are not a wish-well-gesture but a hypocritic reaction. And than, when it goes that far, I take a brake. From everybody. I shut my door and stare at the cieling, listen to music, watch the sunrise, watch the moon fall, lay on ground etc... And often I cry. I let it all out, all the bad that's happening and I can't do anything about it. About bad things for which I can't cry in public- or won't becouse I hate crying in public. I cry for myself, becouse I need to do it, I need it so badly... I cry for everything and nothing, for me and for people I don't even know. For the past and the future but never for the present. Very weird, very me.
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